Thursday, December 31, 2015

TO THE BOY I LOVED AND I NEED TO FULLY FORGET


To the boy who taught me that this kind of love should never be thrown away. I may have not gotten the kind of ending I hoped for the both of us, yet somehow, I am still thankful. Times have changed, feelings have changed and we too, have finally grown up. 


If my memory serves me right, we both bumped into each other when we were around 5th or 6th grade. You were a newly transfer student in our school and I've always found you quite mysterious: you were selective with the people you chose to be around with, you were never really chatty, you were always around with the boys and I don't quite remember you being too friendly with the opposite sex. Let's just say that my opinion of you was that you were simply an introvert and a reserved-type of person. We ended up only exchanging small talks back then.

Don't get me wrong though; I loved that about you.


I loved how you could never get mad at me, even if I do it on purpose. I always managed to make you smile even when your crossing both of your arms. I loved your persistence when it comes to making me read books or stories that interests you and since I'm a sucker for romance genres, we never really had a problem when it comes to reading. I loved how you were very fond of my marshmallow perfume and thus, the nickname was created for me. Remember how I always tell you to stop doing that because I was aware that you're already wearing your own perfume but you always say, "It's fine because I like it; I like your scent." 


I loved how you would never let a day pass by if we have misunderstandings and you would always find time or wait for me when classes finally ended so you can come up to me and poke me playfully or try to make me smile or laugh. Did I mention that I really liked that about you?


I loved how we understood each other. You were the boy who knew what I was up to, knew what I was cooking up inside my head, knew if I were making fun of someone secretly or if I really did think someone was stupid and funny. You knew and understood my sarcasms and did you know that it requires a higher IQ to comprehend these? Do you know that most guys' weakness is grammar and constructing sentences? Yet there you were... You were indeed one-of-a-kind for me.


I loved the fact that even when you weren't the athletic type, it never struck me that you were a weakling. I respected that you weren't just into sports compared to me and that wasn't a problem at all. It's funny how I prefer athletic guys and yet I fell in love with you.


I loved how you taught me to love the band called Boyce Avenue.

I finally grew to love the cover that they made six years ago, Teenage Dream.

I loved how you'd always text me back when I text you, even how late it was.

I loved how you consulted me when you were about to enter college like what school should you choose or what course definitely suits you.

I loved how you cared about me.

I loved how you would stand up for me.

I loved how you loved me.

I loved how you tried your best to be my friend even when I was hurting you.

 I may have never told you but conversations such as these made my heart skipped a beat but at that time, I simply shrugged it off thinking that it was just a normal reflex.



I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being too late to fix all of these.

I'm sorry that I was too late to figure out my feelings towards you. 

I am truly sorry.



When I realized what I had done, I waited.

I waited for four years.
Four years for you.
Four years that you'd finish college soon and hoping that you'd still give me a chance to make up for everything I've done.
Four years, but I was too late.
You had moved on with your life and I was dumbfounded.


I admit, it was so painful.


I couldn't bear the pain.
I couldn't understand how it ended up like this.
I couldn't grasp reality.
I couldn't accept the fact that you had given up.


"Feelings change; people change."







And so my open letter officially begins.




To the boy I was in love with,

To the boy who has now grown to be a man,
To the boy who turned my world upside-down,
To the boy I probably wouldn't forget,
To the man I loved,







Thank you for allowing me to grow in my own way.
Thank you for allowing me to experience all these kinds of emotions.
Thank you for allowing me to fall in love with you.






Thank you.






I love you, I did.

But I also need to fully forget you.






I would jump at the chance to be with you if fate allows me to.

I don't think I have loved anyone as much as I have loved you.






I have a duty to my heart--- and that I should never lie to myself. However, I also have to take responsibility for myself and move on with my life. Pain and sufferings shouldn't halt me from being happy; I wouldn't have wanted anything but to be with you but there are just some things we can never alter.






The past has been made and history will be written.

It's up to us and our decisions that will lead us to our futures.





To the boy I loved and I need to fully forget:


May we both find happiness and successful careers in our life.
May we also find love with the right person for ourselves.


Hey.
I love you, and I always will.